My wife and I were briefly involved in a group that has since become rather infamous for institutionalized abuse. It's a pretty sad commentary on the world in which we live that I've just described at least a dozen organizations.
While we were in the group, we never really compared notes. We wanted to think the best of this group that we joined. Although neither one of us suffered the worst abuse that has since been reported, we nevertheless paid witness to petty abuses that stood in stark contrast to the stated aims and goals of the group. What led to our departure from the group was finally, at long last, comparing notes.
Patterns of abuse emerge. "You saw that happen? Well let me tell you about this thing that happened!"
When you hold that stuff in, you can begin to doubt yourself. "Did that really happen?" "Am I overreacting?" "Am I just recontextualizing a memory of something that was benign at the time?"
I've been nursing a grudge for a little over thirteen years. It grew out of another group, one my wife and I started this time, rather than joined. I've come to think of it as "nursing a grudge," I should say. I was frozen out, bullied, yelled at, and ultimately bailed on a group I put a significant amount of sweat equity into. The grudge is completely justified.
But years have passed. An ocean has flown under that particular bridge. And so I came to believe that, to some degree, the grudge was on me. Actually blaming myself for the way I felt.
As it turns out, you can still compare notes a decade later. You can hear about others who have suffered very similar (though not identical) treatment at the hands of a particular person. Someone who bullies, belittles, and bellows. Someone who will smile to your face while assassinating your character behind your back. Someone, it would seem, who may just get his comeuppance.
